Research Shows Food Doesn’t Affect Pet Health: Forget Food, Use Drugs!

In a surprising but delightful turn of scientific events, a team of researchers from the esteemed California A&M Polterstudy University and the well-respected Boston P&M Pixigram Institute have conclusively determined that food has absolutely no affect on pet health.  Their research has shown that we should forget nutrition in favor of more scientific medical management of health.


Throughout the country, pet owners have been trying to encourage their pets to eat fresh, species appropriate foods, hoping to decrease the risk of cancer, obesity, and a plethora of other health issues.  Before this study was made public, owners believed that pets were like every other species on the planet and would better maintain their vitality with high quality foods. According to this new study, this is incontrovertibly and patently untrue.


With this latest scientific information, we can comfortably feed our pets our leftover donuts, cereals, even paper products and chemicals, as the bulk of their diets without seeing any downturn in their health.  We don’t have to worry about pesky mathematics to work out protein percentages or vitamin and mineral contents.  It won’t make a difference how much there is! No more reading labels, recycling messy cans or managing frozen food.


And we don’t even have to trouble ourselves about “healthy” meat sources – the meat can be rendered from poorly processed, cheap, unusable meat by-products, and can include preservatives, chemicals and carcinogens.  Foods can even be made from cancerous, medicated, euthanized or diseased animals of any species.  It doesn’t matter!


This exciting and elegant piece of research allows pet owners to choose poor quality, tasteless, dry, inexpensive, chemically processed foods for their beloved pets without thinking twice.  Pet parents can fill bowls to the brim for even the largest of breeds for only pennies per day.


What a relief to know we have no responsibility for the health of our pets at home. Choosing a pet food couldn’t be easier for us.  It makes no difference!  Feed your pets whatever you want, as long as you can keep up on the prescriptions, they’ll be terrific!


…And have a very Happy April Fools Day!

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